teslanomaly (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
teslanomaly) wrote2005-04-24 03:58 pm
teslanomaly) wrote2005-04-24 03:58 pm
You are the weakest link. Goodbye!
I really feel like I'm slinking back to Memphis with my tail between my legs. After a week of what I thought were very good interviews and presentations, I did not get one of the NOAA jobs.
I'm not reacting very well - maybe because I'd really geared myself up to believe that I'd made a good showing. I fought off my typical lack of confidence and convinced myself that I'd done a great job, that I was going to get a Fellowship, and that I could come home and work on all the half-made plans for the rest of the summer that were floating around in the back of my head. So when I walked into the room and they told me I had not been placed, it really hit me hard. So much for the power of positive thinking.
Like an idiot, I couldn't even stick around to see who did get the jobs. I was crying too hard, and I felt like all the other candidates were staring at me - or trying really hard not to. I just got out of there as fast as I could, and consequently missed my chance to show that I could lose gracefully. Just as well, since obviously, I can't.
I'm trying to look on the bright side of all this. I did make some decent contacts that I can call about other jobs, NOAA is going to circulate my resume, and I did get a free trip to Charleston out of the deal. But it's hard at the moment to be positive about this. Intellectually, I appreciate the fact that my competition was really, really fierce. There were some fantastic people there; I can't feel undervalued because I wasn't chosen. I'm good. They were better.
But although I've been told 'don't take it personally' a half-dozen times, I can't help but take it personally. It was a very personal process. I was stacked up against ten other candidates, and found wanting. Repeatedly. By different people. In fact, one state went home without a Fellow because the only person who wanted the job was me, and I wasn't on their list.
So, yeah. I'm feeling a bit like a waste of space at the moment. I was told "you won't be on the market long" last week, and I didn't have the heart to tell the person that I've been on the market since last August, with no luck. And I'm beginning to seriously worry that I've worked myself into a corner, where I'm only going to be appealing to the field of zoo-stuff - a field from which I am making every effort to run screaming.
I want to make a bigger difference than that. I have these skills, this desire, that I want to use very badly, and no one will let me help. Add to that the more selfish observation that so many of my friends are moving on with Real Life - including steady jobs and romantic partners and someplace to live that isn't their mother's garage - and.... yeah. Result: Seriously depressed 'Stine.
The other part of it is that silly as it may sound, I'm ashamed. I feel as though I disappointed people: The nice Sea Grant man who nominated me, my parents, my wonderfully supportive bosses, and you guys - everybody who sent me well-wishes, or texted me to ask how it was going, or just thought nice things about me while I was gone. So many people expressed confidence that I could do this, and I feel a little like I let them (you) all down. I know I let myself down.
Intellectually, I can realize that anyone would be in a funk right now. It will pass, and I will move on. Emotionally, I can't help but wonder what the fuck is so very wrong with me. Apologies for the rampant public venting. Hopefully, this will help me get it out of my system.
I'm not reacting very well - maybe because I'd really geared myself up to believe that I'd made a good showing. I fought off my typical lack of confidence and convinced myself that I'd done a great job, that I was going to get a Fellowship, and that I could come home and work on all the half-made plans for the rest of the summer that were floating around in the back of my head. So when I walked into the room and they told me I had not been placed, it really hit me hard. So much for the power of positive thinking.
Like an idiot, I couldn't even stick around to see who did get the jobs. I was crying too hard, and I felt like all the other candidates were staring at me - or trying really hard not to. I just got out of there as fast as I could, and consequently missed my chance to show that I could lose gracefully. Just as well, since obviously, I can't.
I'm trying to look on the bright side of all this. I did make some decent contacts that I can call about other jobs, NOAA is going to circulate my resume, and I did get a free trip to Charleston out of the deal. But it's hard at the moment to be positive about this. Intellectually, I appreciate the fact that my competition was really, really fierce. There were some fantastic people there; I can't feel undervalued because I wasn't chosen. I'm good. They were better.
But although I've been told 'don't take it personally' a half-dozen times, I can't help but take it personally. It was a very personal process. I was stacked up against ten other candidates, and found wanting. Repeatedly. By different people. In fact, one state went home without a Fellow because the only person who wanted the job was me, and I wasn't on their list.
So, yeah. I'm feeling a bit like a waste of space at the moment. I was told "you won't be on the market long" last week, and I didn't have the heart to tell the person that I've been on the market since last August, with no luck. And I'm beginning to seriously worry that I've worked myself into a corner, where I'm only going to be appealing to the field of zoo-stuff - a field from which I am making every effort to run screaming.
I want to make a bigger difference than that. I have these skills, this desire, that I want to use very badly, and no one will let me help. Add to that the more selfish observation that so many of my friends are moving on with Real Life - including steady jobs and romantic partners and someplace to live that isn't their mother's garage - and.... yeah. Result: Seriously depressed 'Stine.
The other part of it is that silly as it may sound, I'm ashamed. I feel as though I disappointed people: The nice Sea Grant man who nominated me, my parents, my wonderfully supportive bosses, and you guys - everybody who sent me well-wishes, or texted me to ask how it was going, or just thought nice things about me while I was gone. So many people expressed confidence that I could do this, and I feel a little like I let them (you) all down. I know I let myself down.
Intellectually, I can realize that anyone would be in a funk right now. It will pass, and I will move on. Emotionally, I can't help but wonder what the fuck is so very wrong with me. Apologies for the rampant public venting. Hopefully, this will help me get it out of my system.